Shane has rekindled his relationship with Lucy Liu

Just who in the hell coined the phrase, “let the cat out of the bag?”. It’s odd. Seriously odd. Unnecessarily odd. How did the person who first said it manage to communicate its meaning to the rest of the unsuspecting populous? Would it be possible for me to introduce a new phrase? Perhaps, “oops, looks like I just buried the hamster in the truffle” or “wow, she just made the Viking do a star-jump”. Well, cats have now been out of bags since about 1760. It’s here to stay and we’re just all going to have to deal with it.

Now it seems I have a pussy of my own to let out of the sack… did I say that right?

A few weeks ago, I made it known in cyber-space that I had rekindled my relationship with Lucy Liu. We had been on again off again but recently, she’s beginning to grow on me. If you had Lucy Liu on your face, you’d agree she’s a bit of alright. She keeps me warm and I’ve learnt to deal with the itching. She tends to tickle others but I don’t get jealous. I respect her privacy.

Here’s the thing. I’m proud, honoured but more so utterly terrified that no-one laid question to this. It could be because anyone who follows the status of my being online already knows that claims like this are not uncommon and it’s simply expected, these days, to see that “Shane is allergic to gravity” or “Shane just sneezed and farted at the same time and is now inside out, typing this on a tiny laptop inside himself with a handy flashlight”. Yes it seems that “Shane has rekindled his relationship with Lucy Liu” was rightfully dismissed as typical foolery by most people. But it’s the handful of people who were happy for me and Lucy’s reunion that sparks endless amusement for me.

Allow me to “let the gerbil out of the Gere” by announcing that Lucy Liu is not a real woman and most certainly not the Lucy Liu of Charlie’s Angels notoriety. Lucy Liu is the nickname given to my beard.

Yes, my beard.

I remember the naming of the beard coming about sometime in 2007 or 2008. Don’t ask me why as I won’t be able to tell you. The answer lies, segregated, in the bottom of about 2 dozen Carlsberg bottles.

In closing, Lucy and I are very happy to be back together, just in time for the winter.

Proposed substitutes for "Let the cat out of the bag". Whoops, looks like you just...

• let the frog in the toaster
• punched the camel in the jaw (just like Conan!)
• let the budgie start the car
• put the poodle on the podium
• pinched the parrot on the penis
• let the cat in the bag... a bag of dobermans
• put the cow on the clothesline