here we go, 10 minutes 50 seconds left, no time to spell check, no time to refine or revise and there's certainly no reason to call this sweat stained terminal out the front of Woolworths a CAFE! But I guess Internet Cafe sounds marginally more appealing than Internet Station of Communal Crapulence!
On the subject of meatballs, I've discovered I don't know how to walk on escalators that aren't working. And I don't think I'm alone... damn, just took a phone call and wasted 2 minutes of my Crapulence credit... Yeah so I approached the inoperable escalator to this very shopping centre knowing full well the fact that the escalator isn't working simply means it's a set of STAIRS. Well whoever is at the controls of my woefully inept body refused to adhere to the navigators sensible instructions and prepared my person for standard escalator boarding procedure. I approached with caution... put my left hand on the rubber railing which of course wasn't moving... put my right foot on the first step which of course wasn't moving... prepared for the mini-momentum adjustment that you do usually in such scenarios, like KnightRider boarding the back of that moving truck (yeah I know the car is called Kit and not Knightrider but I'm trying to relate to the masses...nerd)... and of course once I had committed to the text book escalator boarding procedure, I tripped over nothing but my own idiocy and fell over... fell over on the stationary staircase. You've done it haven't you. Haven't you? Answer me! Answer me before my time runs ou
Monday, June 9, 2008
Monday, June 2, 2008
Application Complication of the Nation
Another human and I have been looking for a cosy little place to call home for over two weeks now. Because of my fear of spontaneous combustion upon entry of a bank, credit union or any other lender, I find myself flailing in the neglected filthy storm water drain that is the rental market. Oh, the 'human' is a female by the way. No, not a girlfriend so don't worry ladies, your free pass to ride the Shane train is still valid but you'll probably get more thrills folding said free pass into a paper plane. (Ego followed by self pity, I am douche).
ANYWAY, the Brazilian rainforests' worth of paperwork one must labour over ranges from the next to non-existent to the far beyond outrageous. The names of the following real estate agencies (as opposed to pretend estate) have been changed to protect the innocent and in turn, the shamelessly guilty too.
A massive shout-out goes to "We Love Commandment Breakers" Realty. We lodged an application at their office today, although it was less of an application and more of a literary shrug of casual endorsement. I'm not even sure if I had to fill out my name! I'm certain they must have rental properties out there presently occupied by shopping trolleys and abandoned Christmas trees as even those inanimate objects could've successfully negotiated what can only loosely be described as an 'application form'. Love their work, or more accurately, their terrific ability to avoid creating any with their crayons and cardboard paper.
Then we have the agency driving the bulldozer and holding the chainsaw. I've never dealt with such a remorseless bunch of oak-mongerers as the ones at LJ Prostitute. If you had a little trouble breathing today, it's because I asked for an application form and forty-thousand hectares of oxygen producing trees disappeared. Their application form, or High Court Trial if I may, appeared to be in hieroglyphic Latin braille and made the Beijing yellow pages look like a pamphlet. Apparently the current version of the form has already been truncated from it's former horrific glory. LJ Filthy Prostitute management have omitted the following from it's applications:
ANYWAY, the Brazilian rainforests' worth of paperwork one must labour over ranges from the next to non-existent to the far beyond outrageous. The names of the following real estate agencies (as opposed to pretend estate) have been changed to protect the innocent and in turn, the shamelessly guilty too.
A massive shout-out goes to "We Love Commandment Breakers" Realty. We lodged an application at their office today, although it was less of an application and more of a literary shrug of casual endorsement. I'm not even sure if I had to fill out my name! I'm certain they must have rental properties out there presently occupied by shopping trolleys and abandoned Christmas trees as even those inanimate objects could've successfully negotiated what can only loosely be described as an 'application form'. Love their work, or more accurately, their terrific ability to avoid creating any with their crayons and cardboard paper.
Then we have the agency driving the bulldozer and holding the chainsaw. I've never dealt with such a remorseless bunch of oak-mongerers as the ones at LJ Prostitute. If you had a little trouble breathing today, it's because I asked for an application form and forty-thousand hectares of oxygen producing trees disappeared. Their application form, or High Court Trial if I may, appeared to be in hieroglyphic Latin braille and made the Beijing yellow pages look like a pamphlet. Apparently the current version of the form has already been truncated from it's former horrific glory. LJ Filthy Prostitute management have omitted the following from it's applications:
- Mothers maiden name in binary code: _________
- Fold or Scrunch (please circle only one)
- May we treat you like the personified pond scum of the earth?: Yes/Yes/Yes (you may circle more than one)
- Your previous address in your previous life: _________
- I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 1000000: _________
Thanks to my recent experiences, I'm thinking of opening a rental agency where the property is awarded to the person who can do the best Daffy Duck voice. You know what, even a solid hi five ought to seal the deal!
"Shane Butler Realty - All unsuccessful applicants can crash at my place!"
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