Being the easily influenced man-lemming that I have become, I've jumped on, (perhaps logged on), to the blogger.com blog wagon. For those of you who are familiar with my ramblings, you've either got great patience and time for reading this self confessed dribble or you're my parents. For those of you who don't know me but for some reason continue to read, most likely because I've strapped you to a chair in front of this blog and stuck your eyelids open with surgical tape, you'll find my opinions aren't educated, researched or factual in any way.
An unnecessary bullet point list:
- I have blonde hair and a ginger beard
- I'm sustained by orphan tears and clubbed seal meat
- I often lie about what sustains me
- I am NOT a sophisticated sex robot
- Yo no puedo hablar español
- I'm scared of babies... that have an adult laugh
- And I’m 6’7” which I’m totally fine with, though my patience does wear thin when every pint swilling, slack jawed mooncalf with the intellectual ability to rival that of a chamber pot takes it upon themselves to remind me of my height with such observational gems as “You’re a monster aren’t ya!” and “please don’t eat my children!”
I've recently quit 11 years of working in a sickly string of soul destroying offices. If only I had today's clarity and perspective when I got the first office job 4015 days ago. I would've told Vicki the call centre manager to cram it with walnuts and cartwheeled right the fuck out of there!
For the last eighteen days, I've been a bartender at an Irish bar in Surfers Paradise. Ah yes, Surfers Paradise, home to brightly coloured tube tops, platinum hair and the never say die theory that image is everything. Don't worry if you're not actually happy, just make sure everyone else thinks you are and I mean EVERYONE else. Your hairdresser, the postman, pedestrians, motorists, it all contributes to the popularity contest in your mind. Your poor deluded, ruski addled mind.
Cosmetic surgery and convertible Saabs aside, I do love this place and the plethora of preposterous people that inhabit it. As a bartender, I see all walks of life including some I'm surprised have the brain power and/or motor skills to actually walk at all. I love Americans, I really do. But the next one to come into my Irish bar and complain that we don't stock Budweiser will receive the right to have my bare arms smash them in the face followed by a keg of Guinness straight up the clacker!
Stay tuned for more nonsense as soon as said nonsense makes itself known. Nudity, there will definitely be full frontal nudity in the next episode.
Cheers!
(for some real blogging, check this bloke out:http://www.sitdownforthis.blogspot.com/)
I ate a man-lemming once. Very bony. Wouldn't choose that one off the menu.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, your blog is (as usual) fucking hilarious. And you linked to me...this is love at first reading.
I love your blogs Shane. They are the best! If I was religious I would read them religously, but I'm not religious so I read them with the aimless lack of attention that only someone born in the age of hyperactive, over-simulating corporate advertising mass media can. I'm surprised I had the attention span to write that sentence.
ReplyDeleteWell I'm going to return to distracting myself from whatever it was I was meant to be doing.