Shane’s Anatomy

Alcohol abuse. It’s a serious problem facing today’s society. Well, perhaps face down. In a puddle of it’s own urine. Outside 7/11 at 4am. However, I feel it’s only a problem if you wake up on the wrong side of the puddle or live too far away from a 7/11 or 24hr servo. In my experience, far more good has come from being completely one eyed and legless than harm. Yes, it’s true I can’t hold a lighter steady enough to avoid setting myself on fire anymore. Yes, it’s true my liver has attempted to escape my body on more than one occasion. Yes it’s true my memory has deteriorated faster than Tatu’s music career yet I still maintain boozing it right up is the shiznit. Yes, I’m far too white and lame to churn out words like shiznit and bidness but I care not. And why? Because the last drop of my fifth beer just now was delicious but also inhibition destroying and confidence building! See? Do you see how this works?

Ok well I can sense a bunch of you shaking your head, rolling your eyes and/or internalising a negative response to what I’m preaching. To this I have two things to say. One: Internalise more, no-one wants your opinion anyway. Stop boring everybody with your incessant, nonsensical and sleep invoking miseratic musings. And Two: You’re my facebook friend. And if you are indeed my facebook friend, we’ve shared a bottle of scotch, wine or a carton at some point anyway. In fact, the booze might have been the thing that brought us together in the first place. If this is not the case for you, it will be or you can just go ahead and “remove friend” right now.

Friendships, love affairs, marriages, families, empires… all these things can be made possible by the mutual love of a nerve numbing cocktail or ten. Hell, I’m a September baby for Christ’s sake! Which means I can think of two people who had a pretty kick ass new years eve party nine months earlier! Now excuse me while I crack open my sixth and finish writing my business proposal to open the first ever Alcoholic Exhibitionists club. Don’t worry, it’ll be walking distance to Hungry Jacks.

Yeah, miseratic isn’t a word. Well done. Now internalise that shit like I told you.