The Big Shang Theory

Part One: Something to Consider

The observable universe has a diameter of 93 billion light years. Now take some time to digest that figure. Don’t just cast a shrugging fancy at it. In fact, go back to the start and read it again… but then ignore this sentence, because re-reading this sentence will probably only annoy and then infuriate you. This one too.

When you turn on your bedroom light tonight, allocate a thought to how quickly the light moved from the bulb to the rest of the room. Now think how far that light would get in a few more seconds. What about a minute? What about a year! Multiplied by 93,000,000,000! That’s the distance we’re talking about here folks. I point this out to provide you, the educated and/or blind drunk reader, some sort of scope in order to cope with the scale of what I want to talk to you about. Ladies and Gentlemen, I have a theory.

Theories. Most people think of crazy, frizzy haired basement dwellers when the word ‘theory’ is uttered, written or inferred. And usually prefixed with ‘conspiracy’. Then there are other Theories that are more credible and respected. Arguably, the most famous of which is the Theory of Evolution.

In my brief three tenths of a century, ambling around this fantastic, enjoyable, challenging, passionate yet ultimately meaningless existence, I’ve drawn a conclusion or two on certain aspects of planet Earth, the solar system in which it exists, the Galaxy in which it exists and the human race’s place amongst it all. Before you roll your eyes and log into the Facebook (the mathematical centre of the Universe), please hear me out. (ha! Change the word ‘hear’ to ‘lick’ and this rant goes wonderfully blue!).

Focus, take the strain, and stay with me through the following mega-stats that will funnel us towards my theory. The earth is 4.55 billion years old. Homo-sapiens evolved between 400,000 and 250,000 years ago. At just 72,000 years ago, there were still less than 1000 humans on the entire planet. You can fit that many people on three Boeing 747s. Or 90 times that amount of people into the Melbourne Cricket Ground! It then took 70,000 years to expand the world population to just 100,000, the same size as the Victorian country town of Bendigo. Again, don’t glaze these figures. Breath it in. Just over 2000 years later, in 1804, we hit the 1 billion mark. A milestone. A true testament to the human’s ability to master its surroundings and establish itself, devastatingly, at the top of the food chain.

Consider those figures. Sip on those figures. Swirl it around. Taste it. Now spit it out all over the place with alarm. Because the time it took for humans to populate this planet with its most recent billion was 12 years.

12 years!

Recap: It took from 72,000 years ago to the year 1804 to go from 1000 people to the first billion. It took from 1987 to 1999 for the most recent billion. In fact, since I was born, the global population has increased by over 2 billion.

Now some of you will already know of this information. You may have different figures but the pattern of increase will still be very similar and equally gob smacking. However, there will be many of you who have simply never been in a state of mind to consider it just yet. And believe me, the more you consider it, the more cloudy and maddening it all becomes. It’s in these times of endless pondering, I find it’s best to have distractions like playstation, pay tv or a hungry panther prowling your kitchen. Anything to get your mind of things.

Before I go further, or nearer, I understand there will be those who have completely different opinions on the origin of our species and the timelines I’ve discussed so far. As an apathetic atheist, I want to make it clear I’m completely comfortable with your beliefs. I envy you. I’d much rather be playing twister with angels than decomposing. But so help me Easter Bunny, if you ever force me to re-read your “How to make a Universe in Seven Days: for idiots” book, I just might push you in front of a moving pope mobile and you shall meet your gloriously celebrated maker. I suggest you ask him, “Hey Lord, if you’re real, what the fuck is with you allowing Shane to push me in front of the pope mobile like that?!”. But I digress. This is not going to be a God debate. That’s for another time. Maybe after three bottles of wine… not two. This is about my theory. This is about my address on the mind melting figures I just gave you a few paragraphs ago.

A billion in 12 years. Why?

Part Two: Prologue

While reading this tripe, please remember it’s little more than musings. Due to most of you being more academic than me, I suspect my words will be analysed, deconstructed and found to be naught but guff. That’s actually a good way to think about this. Don’t take it too seriously. Be open minded. I’m not selling anything. Unless you’re in the market for a 76cm rear projection flatscreen that occasionally works and is heavier than an opera of Oprahs.

There could be reason for this population explosion. No other creature on earth dominates the planet like we do. Millions of us circumnavigate the entire globe every day. Our presence is comprehensive, consummate, absolute, unrivalled. There are no predators keeping us in check. That only makes sense right? Every other animal is being hunted by another, therefore its population rarely expands exponentially. But we’re at the top. So who here is really surprised that we just kept on going? It’s only natural. With that said, I feel there could be a reason for our sudden expansion and incredible rate of technological advancement. Like I said, if you’re open minded and happy to read the absurd words of a man who never went to university and never studied anything remotely like this, please continue.

I side with the theory of evolution. Truly I do. But I think we’ll never fully understand it. Not in the next several tens of thousands of years anyway. In the same way a cave man couldn’t possibly comprehend the internet, stem cell research or the wheel. And my theory is this.

Part Two: The Theory… (it’s really quite brief)

The role of the human race on planet earth is to act as the big red emergency button. We are break glass in case of emergency. We are the ejector button. The life raft. The flare.

The planet is a living organism and everything living on it, whether it thinks it’s living autonomously or not, is dependent on it. The planet is thinking about retirement. The glass has been broken. The flare has been lit. The big red eject button has been hit within the last few thousand years, which sounds like a long time but considering the Earth’s 4.55 billion year age, it’s really only just happened.

As part of the emergency procedure, the humans are multiplying like crazy and as a result, advancing their technology as well. They honed their skills on exploration by setting about in the oceans and discovering and colonising new lands. They refined machines that once took many months to travel around the globe to now complete the trip in a matter of hours. They even poked about on the moon. Once again I stress, all this advancement has happened in the relative blink of an eye as far as time is concerned. And we’re getting better and more efficient at doing EVERYTHING all the time. Transport. Communication. Production. We’re finding shortcuts and alternatives all over the place. Exploring and colonising is now second nature so to speak. It seems only natural that the minds of tomorrow, of next year, of next millennia will explore and colonise more than just the lands of this planet. Perhaps the land of another planet. And I’m not saying Mars. Think bigger. Our solar system is based upon just one star. There are up to 400 billion stars in our galaxy, the Milky Way. There are an estimated 100 billion galaxies in the part of the universe that we have the capabilities to observe at this point. Are you suggesting that there isn’t one inhabitable planet orbiting the other 50000000000000000000000 stars in the observable Galaxy? Naïve don’t you think?

With resources depleted, Mother earth wants to retire and wants us out of the house. It’s time for us kids to find our own place.

(so are you actually thinking about any of this or are you simply in a rush to comment that I used "Part Two" twice? Shows where your priorities are you blazing simpleton - YOU FAIL)