Even though I vowed I never would again, I currently work in a gigantic sterile office tower for a gigantic faceless company. Both these things exist to make money and nothing else. The people inside are making money too but for a variety of reasons. After extensive research, (I popped my head up from my desk and looked around), most are there to earn money to support their families, pay their mortgages, pay off their cars and so on. And I can safely add that almost all of them are miserable with their jobs. The company I work for, which will remain nameless to protect the… well… to protect the titanically guilty, is in the telecommunications industry. Every decision, and I mean every single one of them, is made on considerations and calculations of cost and profit. You know what this means, precise and absolute zero job satisfaction for the employee.
Look, I’ve never been one to hug trees, save Koalas and fondle Dolphins, but even I am searching for something with a little more meaning. A means of making money where somewhere along the working week I actually feel the slightest stir of a job well done. The knowledge that I’ve contributed, directly, to a person’s happiness. As it stands right now, I’d settle for, at the very least, contributing to my own. And this is my theme today. My happiness at work.
If you’re still reading, I figure you can either relate, you’re concerned for my well being… or you just learned to read and now you’re just showing off by making it to the third paragraph. Because there sure as shit hasn’t been any light hearted funnies yet! Stay the course Captain… Giggle Island Hooooooo!
For the life of me, or even you, I can’t remember where I heard this. But it struck a chord with me, which made me smile. It then struck an angsty teenager in the face with a sack of angry badgers which outright made me laugh… then pick up the sack and finish the job. Ah yes Badgers, they truly are the smiley and somewhat rascally emoticons of the animal kingdom. So anyway, I heard some human describe another human as, “yeah, that guy was so happy, he could see the silver lining in a mushroom cloud”. I love that. What I love most is that it’s really quite misleading. In fact, it’s morbidly appalling. I mean, what sick son of a whore actually get’s pleasure from seeing the cloud that results from an atomic bomb blast?
So it seems that my workplace is the mushroom cloud. So what then is the silver lining? Well I figure I’ll just be the silver lining damn it!
As previously mentioned, I’m not the feel good nature boy kind of person. I don’t have bumper stickers that say Magic Happens. I don’t have a poster on my desk of a kitty cat hanging off a wire with the caption “hang in there”.
My name is Shane, and unless we’re already friends, you exist for my amusement. Now dance rummy! I’ve commenced the cavalcade of subtle office madness already. If I can’t be happy instead of miserable, I’ll just take mad.
Sound good? Do you want in? Shane wants you! You can start immediately. In fact, turn towards the nearest person and say, “excuse me?!” in a really shocked and disgusted tone with a fair bit of volume. Before the victim can respond, leave in a huff. Come back a minute later, act as if nothing is wrong and then ask them what on earth they’re babbling about when they question your behaviour.
Another favourite is to whisper and exact replica of a conversation someone else is having. Do it so they might just be able to hear it. It’s basically an echo effect and I bet you dollars to douche bags that you’ll even start creeping yourself out at how spooky it sounds.
For those of you with the power to pull it off, call everyone by a name that sounds dreadfully similar to their name but isn’t their name. And when you address them, look about 3 inches to the left of their eyes. I’ve done this and you wouldn’t believe the sort of internal chaos this wreaks on their poor unsuspecting brain. You see, in an office environment, most people are on auto-pilot. Everything is so routine that their brain need not more engagement than stand-by mode. So when you walk up to your colleague, Dave, and say, “so Dane, how do you want your coffee?”, you can actually watch his brain implode like a 60s Vegas casino. In that simple sentence, combined with the fact you’re looking just over his shoulder, (but you’re making it seem like you’re actually making eye contact), you completely and utterly destroy is thought pattern. His brain pilot comes back to the cockpit to find the auto-pilot is upside down, on fire and the plane is heading for a giant fucking mountain! Why exactly? Because, like a computer, you just gave his brain far too many calculations to cope with and it crashed. It takes just under 3 seconds to casually say, “so Dane, how do you like your coffee?”. And in those 3 seconds, he’s trying to address the following:
“My name is not Dane? Does he know what? Should I correct him?”
“how do I want my coffee? I didn’t even ask for a coffee. Should I just answer him anyway?”
“hang on a sec, I don’t even drink coffee!”
“is he coming on to me?!”
“what have I done to lead him on?”
“jesus, is he even looking at me? Is there something behind me? Should I turn around?”
“oh crap, now I’ve been standing here in silence for a few seconds, he’s going to think I’m weird”
“but that’s not fair, HE’S the weird one! Screw it, I’ll just answer him…”
“I’ll have my coffee black thanks Shane”.
To which I respond with…
“EXCUSE ME?!” and storm off.
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