Shane reviews: Country Living, Ballarat.

Howdy folks! Welcome to a new segment here at Odd at Ease. Given my propensity to be opinionated, falsely knowledgeable and a card carrying ho to the pimp that is shameless writing, I’ve accepted the position appointed by nobody to review things you never wanted to know about. Not even a little.

Today, I’ll be donning the role of a Catriona Rowntree from the television programming spackle, Getaway. Except my name is Shane, not Catriona, and my show is called GoAway. And it doesn’t exist. Not yet. Not ever.

Dust off your akubras, fish out your oversized belt buckles, start up the ute, halve your vocabulary and punch a stranger in the neck next Saturday night because today’s review is on Country Living. That’s right folks, there may be gold in that them there hills but there sure as shit ain’t no grammar schools, as I give to you my review of Ballarat, Victoria.

In 1851, gold was discovered in Ballarat, and in less than a year, over ten thousand miners had moved there, making it Victoria’s largest settlement. If only some of the gold stayed in Ballarat. The miners are now gone but the minors remain and can be found lurking on the routes that link the hotels through the town on any given Saturday night, stumbling, fighting and generally trying to tread the metaphorical water in a dusty pool of fist fights and unwanted pregnancy.

As I write this, I have the slightest fear of retribution from the locals for casting such slander at their school yard of a town. But then I’m eased by the fact they need to be able to read in the first place, making this review an unbreakable code.

But it’s not all tobacco chewing, tractor derbies and horse fondling. Now that I’ve lived here, I can say my initial impressions of country living may have been slanted unfairly toward the court of toothless yokels. That’s not to say they don’t exist, my word they exist in droves. It’s just a matter of fact. The country have yokels, the cities have crazies and the beachside have buoyant stoners. But I must confess, I find country living quite agreeable.

In most cases, I’ve found people to be relaxed, patient and helpful. If Ballarat had its own motto, it would be, “she’ll be right mate”. The town centre itself is adorable and the sense of community is strong and somehow comforting. It’s a shame to see that the Lake is about as moist as a… (oh God, I’m simply not going to write that!).

Item reviewed: Ballarat, VIC.
How to get there: See that bus full of hicks? Get on it.
Don’t miss: adolescent males yelling obscenities from the back of an overcrowded VN Commodore, (if you do miss, adjust your sight scope and fire again).
Verdict: 8/10. A nice place to live but I wouldn’t want to visit there.