Shane of Train and the anonymous funk.

So here’s my idea. When you buy your train ticket, you are not given an actual ticket. Instead, you’re given a small beeper like device that you clip onto your collar. Why Shane? What’s the basis of your proposal? Is it some ingenious method of researching public transport data? Are you doing this in the pursuit of a more efficient commuting future for your fellow man, woman and grommet?

Well, as the invasive and anonymous gaseous filth born in the bowels of another passenger slowly washes over and in my defenceless nostrils, I can safely and securely announce that NO! My idea is not intended for anything so grand. The purpose, the ONLY purpose, is for this beeper to start beeping and shrieking (with as much frenzied electronic franticness as its tiny battery will allow) when the person wearing it… farts.

I’m completely fed up with commencing each and every day by being unwillingly subjected to an onslaught of human waste. An armada of ass acrobatics the likes of which should never be smelt. Poo samples. Because that’s what a fart is. It’s shit, molecularly altered to take flight in gaseous form and relocate from a strangers ass, down the aisle and into your nose, ears, lungs and perhaps even your eyeballs.

Here’s why the beeper would work. The device would automatically calibrate to the user’s scent and instantly recognise the aerial discharge of said user and not the scent of a nearby passenger, thus eliminating the ‘blame it on the dog’ defence. Upon detecting a user offence, the beeper would set off in a pitch and frequency that draws attention of everybody in the carriage to the filthy offender. The fear and shame of drawing attention to oneself in this way will deter most potential sample stirrers.

But what about the few that have no shame and will not fear the beeper. And what about all us non-offenders? As we sit peacefully and respectfully, will we have to endure the sounds of beepers for our journey? I’m glad you asked. Both concerns are valid but in actual fact, they cancel each other out. Initially, non-offenders will become more and more irate at the beeping. So much so, that the stares, glares and potential beatings from non-offenders will scare the fart mongers’ sphincters shut tight. So you see, even though some punks have no shame and don’t fear the beeper, they will indeed fear the thrashing they might receive from other passengers. Ergo, no offending takes places and no beeping will have to be endured by the respectfully clenched commuter.

This is the way of the future as it has been predicted by famous philosopher, Nostrilledanus.